Serving as the Chief Operating Officer of Facebook and the founder of Leanin.org, Sheryl Sandberg is a major influencer as a technology executive, author, and advocate. Her book, Option B, will no doubt leave others with hope about overcoming trauma and the motivation to build their resilience.
The April Feature Book of the Month, Option B, delves deep into the concepts of adversity, strength, loss, and relationships in an honest and relatable way. A true story of Sheryl’s life post-trauma where her first option was no longer available, leaving her with no choice but to make the most out of Option B – thus inspiring the name of her book.
After the sudden death of her husband while she was on vacation with close friends, Sheryl finds herself a widow to two young children, faced with the task of raising them alone and helping them (and herself) overcome grief.
“We all deal with loss: jobs lost, loves lost, lives lost. The question is not whether these things will happen. They will, and we will have to face them.” – Sheryl Sandberg, Option B, p.29
As someone who has lost immediate family members, I understand how challenging it can be to cope with death and find the strength to continue on – with your job, your schooling, and the daily demands of life. This book was refreshing – not only did you follow along with Sheryl’s story, but she shared stories of other individuals who have overcome different types of trauma along with psychological studies of resilience and growth following trauma (and the findings are sure to pique your interest).
Option B investigates how people deal with work after they undergo a trauma and Sheryl talks about people’s need to feel supported and understood at work. Sheryl examines workplace policies surrounding bereavement and how we can do better to support staff, peers, and friends who are grieving. From a career development perspective, it was great to see the book address how work comes into play following the loss of a loved one and talk not only about how workplaces can improve but how we as employees and managers can work to improve our actions and shows of support as well.
“To fight for change tomorrow we need to build resilience today.” – Sheryl Sandberg, Option B, p.12
A common theme throughout this book is resilience. Sheryl addresses how resilience does come from within us but also from support around us. It’s about practicing gratitude and acknowledging those unfortunate things that have happened by “leaning into the suck.” Resilience is about analyzing how we deal with grief, accepting the grief is there, and really coming to understand our level of control in situations – sometimes we have some, sometimes we don’t. Throughout her journey, Sheryl was truly tested and challenged. She states, “I learned that when life pulls you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again.”
For those of us who have ever experienced some form of loss, I’m sure that is a sentiment that you can relate to. Even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time, our obstacles, our setbacks, our fears can be fought. We can overcome them. We can learn to breathe again. We can reframe the occasion in our mind. We can choose to see the lesson. We can choose to break through. We can choose to see the opportunity.
After overcoming loss in my own life and working with countless clients who overcame their own grief, I have seen patterns emerge. A pattern of acknowledgement. A pattern of acceptance. A pattern of newfound perspective. A pattern of self-growth.
One of my favourite components of the book is Sheryl sharing her experiences dealing with family, friends, coworkers, and peers after the death of her husband. She is shocked to see how many people ignore the subject, don’t ask her how she’s doing, and are terrified of even bringing up her husband’s name. She talks about how common practice it is for people to avoid topics that are upsetting and shares psychologists’ term for this: the mum effect. The lesson here is to not avoid these upsetting topics and to not be afraid of saying the wrong thing because saying nothing at all can make the affected party feel like you don’t care at all. Sheryl acknowledges that she knows these people are doing their best and that likely their intention was to not bring on more pain. However, even acknowledging the loss and saying “I don’t know what to say” means something. Sheryl brings up “the platinum rule” instead of “the golden role.” Treat others as they want to be treated. We should all give this one a try.
What's something that will help us deal with traumatic events? Journaling. You’ve probably heard it before, and Option B shares how and why this practice is so therapeutic. In the chapter on Self-Compassion and Self-Confidence, it is stated how writing about traumatic experiences can lower anxiety and anger, boost grades, reduce absences from work, and decrease the emotional impact of job loss. Journaling is one of my favourite self-care practices – it always has an incredible way of keeping me grounded, allowing me to see new perspective, and letting me practice gratitude.
Speaking of gratitude, the idea of “counting our blessings” is discussed. If you think that making a gratitude list will increase your confidence and effort…think again. Adam Grant and Jane Dutton discovered that gratitude is passive because it makes us appreciate what we receive. Instead of counting your blessings, they suggest counting your contributions. Our contributions are active – they can increase our level of confidence by reminding us that what we do in this life can make a difference. Give this a try next time you think of counting your blessings.
So, how do we build our resilience and help our children to do the same? Four core beliefs are brought up by Sheryl and she says that we need to help our children believe that:
1) They have some control over their lives
2) They can learn from failure
3) They matter as human beings
4) They have real strengths to rely on and share
I want to share with you a study cited in this book. Hundreds of children considered to be at-risk were tracked for three decades. These kids grew up in harsh environments – alcohol abuse, severe poverty, or mental illness and two out of three of these kids developed serious problems by the time they reached adulthood. Conversely, one third of these kids matured and became confident, caring, and competent. What was the difference? The kids that developed these positive qualities believed they had a strong degree of control over their lives – they had a level of mastery and framed negative events and challenges as positive opportunities. They even talk about children who are not considered “at-risk” and how the resilient ones also believe they have power to shape their lives.
“Resilience is not just built in individuals. It is built among individuals – in our neighborhoods, schools, towns, and governments. When we build resilience together, we become stronger ourselves and form communities that can overcome obstacles and prevent adversity. Collective resilience requires more than just shared hope – it is also fueled by shared experiences, shared narratives, and shared power.” – Sheryl Sandberg, Option B, p.130
I invite you to read Sheryl’s story. To read the shared stories of multiple individuals who have overcome adversity. To challenge yourself to build your resilience and to be motivated to help the children of today build theirs as well. A great read that will give you some interesting perspective. Hope you enjoy!
Happy reading, Sabrina
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